PTSD from war on the homefront.
Sometimes you’re scared to go to sleep because you’re scared of what your nightmares might bring and its bad enough that you have to relive some of your most traumatic experiences when you’re asleep only to wake up and turn on the TV confirming that nightmares are never ending.
It makes you want to crawl back into a hole, somewhere safe, but then you think about how safe is that hole, and if that hole isn’t safe, then where is safe? What is safe?
You began to believe that no matter where you go, you’ll always be in danger. Hope starts to diminish faster than we can blink and our minds began to feel fuzzy and we can’t think.
There is no here and no now, just the presence of fear. The pain of the beast up rising through our stomach letting us know it’s been there all this time.
It comes and goes but every so often we feel it rise back up again letting us know that there is no easy fight and that we are going to have to face it eventually or have no choice but to be consumed.
With that we feel a bit of power among the weakness and although it takes time we realise we have an illness that we can beat if we learn how to manage it and stop feeding into the fire.
All of that rage built up is its only source and each time we feed it the beast gets stronger while our relationships with our loved ones get weaker.
We snap when there is no judgment, we bite our nails, we sink into the ground, and we hide from them as if they’re the ones breeding the pain and fire when really behind the curtain folds they’re only trying to help and their best interest is us.
But we can’t trust because we been hurt before, we have been to war before and we have seen how the enemies can play sides and we fire and run at any sign of mistrust and we start back at square one thinking we are failed, that we are doomed and that there is nowhere to go, no one to love us and we choose to have them hate us rather than try ourselves because we rather not go through the war again and we think we know the outcome, we been there before many times, so how can this time be different?
…but the truth is, how can it be different if we don’t wake up and realise we never left the war.
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
- Boys Town National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000
- Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741